Monday, October 14, 2013

Hiding No More

Currently I am sitting in my closet looking out into my horribly disorganized room which is just a reminder of the thousand things I need to be doing.  I should be studying for my impending Theology exam tomorrow, putting away my laundry, spending much needed one on one time with God or one of the other things on my endless list.

Instead I am hiding.

Hiding in my closet, because of the strong and unavoidable feeling of being over whelmed.  I have always had anxiety, but in the last three years my anxiety has increased over smaller things.  I struggle with strong feelings of being inadequate no matter how hard I try so as of late I have in a way given up.  I have convinced myself that it doesn't matter if I do my best it still won't be good enough.  These feelings stem from an abusive relationship that no matter how many nice things or affirming things I hear I still default to the terrible things I was told and made to believe about myself.

I keep myself busy with friends, work, mindless social media, and anything I can come up with to busy myself so I don't have to focus on the real issues I am struggling with.  I am by nature an extrovert, but when I constantly invent reasons to be around people I definitely know that I am hiding from being alone.  Tonight was the breaking point.  I finally had to come to terms with that I haven't been focusing on school like I should, because I was just so anxious and over whelmed.

This would be why I found my way into my closet.  In a way I am hiding from the world or maybe from myself too. I'm hiding from my paralyzing fear of failure, my absolute fear of rejection and being alone, the fear of disappointing my parents,  and the greatest fear of all that I am not good enough for God which is why for a while now I have been avoiding God as well.

What am I to glean from this time in hiding? From this short lived sabbatical in my closet?

I choose to take away that I need to understand that I am enough.  I am worthy.  And I need to keep reminding myself this every single day.  I have to decide that my best qualities and not so great quirks are me and that is perfectly acceptable.  I will never be great at drawing, putting away laundry, gracefulness, being quiet, frugality, or Microsoft Access, but that is perfectly fine.  I am really good at organizing things, being encouraging, singing, clothes, and being a sympathetic ear. My parents and my God both count me worthy so I should do the same.

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” 
-Louise Erdrich

1 comment:

  1. "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne Williamson

    I think you're already well on your way :)