Doing that thing again.

I am doing that thing again. That thing where I hide from something that is bothering me by staying up super late to make myself so tired when I finally close my eyes that I have to go to sleep, where I don't talk a lot and keep to myself or where I read a whole series of books or watch a whole television series.  I am avoiding.  This time though I am not really sure what I am avoiding.  Wait. I think I do though. It is change.  Wow. Isn't that like the topic of almost 90 percent of my blog? Shouldn't be that big of a surprise.  All year I have been wanting my life to be different. And now it is finally changing to be what I know is the way I am to go, but the way things are just seem so safe and comforting.  I think maybe this goes along hand in hand with my commitment phobia.  If you didn't know this about me.....then hang on. I am super scared of commitment.  Like get a paper bag and breathe into it when marriage is brought up scared of commitment. I like dreaming about the whole proposal, marriage, kids and a picket fence scenario just like the next girl, but right now it is just a dream, not reality.  I think all of this junk just leads back to my fear of change and the lack of control that comes along with it.  If I don't know what is going to happen then I can't control it and manipulate it to my liking etc.  But isn't that what faith and the whole Jesus thing is for?  Yet again my stupid human self has forgotten that God is faithful.  I should really quit doing that.  But hey one thing that I got out of this mess is that I am now obsessed with "The Vampire Diaries."  Can't complain about that I guess.

Looking back.

I have been thinking a lot about the last year of my life lately.  It has been a rough one. Graduating college is super exciting and terrifying all rolled into one.  My senior year I went through a break-up, wasn't sure about my future plans at all, had a rebound, became angry and cynical, cried a lot and then after summer was over I had to decide to pick myself back up and stop wallowing. (yes it is a word).  I was kind of crazy at some points, a basket case for sure. I learned that God is forever faithful.  I cannot dwell on things I do not know the answer to and that I cannot control.  I need to stop and pay attention to the things that God is teaching me during this season of life. This year has been super tough and I would not want to live it again, but I appreciate the lessons I learned.  I am thankful for the maturity and insight it has brought.  I also hope to be able to give some wisdom to my friends who may need it in the future.  Seeking wisdom from someone who has lived through what you are about to go through is great advice indeed.