Women can fix tires too.

If you have ever met me you probably have realized that I am a pretty independent person.  I think a lot of this has to do with me being an only child.  Anyways back to what I was saying. I don't mind being alone, I can actually go to the bathroom by myself (unlike most women) and I have this drive to prove that I can do whatever the task set before me on my own.  I have terrible luck with cars especially with tires.  I have probably had 10-15 tire repairs in the past 4 years.  I am really not exaggerating.  It is terrible.  I have changed flats in super hot weather most memorably at Adriana's with Casey right along side me. Shout out to her!  I have used the ole handy fix-a-flat when needed and any other means to hold my tires together until I can have them serviced.  I find it COMPLETELY and ABSOLUTELY annoying and irritating that 9 out of 10 times when I enter Sears or Walmart or whatever service center establishment that they assume because I am a female I do not know that my tire is low and needs to be repaired and/or replaced.  Does it really take a man to see that the tire is not at the correct pressuring reading?! Obviously I am pretty angry about this particular subject.  I had a most unpleasant experience today with an absolute jerk when I went to get yet another tire fixed.  Instead of punching him as I wanted to I just sat there and thought "Well I guess I need to have a man with me to even be taken seriously to get my tire fixed." How ludacris is that? It made me kinda angry that I was even considering having to have a man do that for me. I know boys who cannot even change a tire (you know who you are). Don't get me wrong. I love men. I want to get married, have babies, the whole nine yards but I don't want to have to need one to do the simplest of things.  This is just annoying.  Maybe I have multiple factors working against me. I am a female, blonde, young, and I am a pretty nice person most of the time. Does this scream idiot? I am not really sure.  I should probably stop trying to analyze the minds of these men who are stereotyping me.  Well I feel better. My diatribe is complete. Hopefully people who read this won't think that I am a man basher or uberfeminist.  I am just trying to do my best as a single independent girl out on my own.  Just trying to fix one tire at a time.

Being a woman of substance

This is going to be a pure and simple rant so buckle up and hold on.  Women of substance.  I feel like we ("we" being myself and all the other women that I know who truly are intelligent and awesome people) as women of substance are passed over and pushed aside a lot.  We are the girls that are "good for marrying" but not for dating.  What does that even mean?! How can you get married if you didn't date first? This concept perplexes me. How do you get from point A to point B if you bypass point A? 

Anyways, I hear people tell my sisters and myself that one day a man will come and appreciate us for who we are but that will be 5 or (insert random number here) years down the road when they are mature and will value us for who we are.  So where does that leave us now? It leaves us as being their friend while they are dating the girls I will describe shortly and  us being supportive when the relationships do not work out.  We will be there for comfort and a shoulder to cry on. So now where are these men? What are they doing in this 5 to random number of years period?  My theory is they are being stupid.  They are dating the girls that we cannot stand, that have no brain cells, wear bump-its, but sure know how to have fun (ahem).  They are super high maintenance, shallow, and spend way too much time on their nails. Forgive me for the cynicism, but these days I am just really annoyed at men my age being afraid of substance and commitment.  I am tired of young women lowering their standards for affection and attention.  Maybe I am just tired.  I am a woman of substance.  I have lowered my standards, been in relationships that were not at all what I needed or God intended and yet again here I am where I started.....waiting for that man of substance to recognize me for what I am.  It's worth waiting for so I guess I will feel better after this vent session and just keep on waiting.

Who shall I fear?

If you have ever had an anxiety attack they are no fun for sure. You feel kind of like you can't breathe and the situation you are in seems inescapable and overwhelming. Anxiety is just plain and simple worry.  It is hard to control anxiety or worry when you let it manifest and continue to grow in your thoughts day after day.  I'm pretty sure we are all guilty of that. I worry about whether or not people like me, if I will have enough money to do anything besides pay my bills, my family, being single forever, getting wrinkles, not having enough pairs of sandals, etc.  Obviously I worry about important and some not so important things. Does worry about any of this help???? No. Of course not. I love the book of James and in his writings James says:

 "Look here you who say 'Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year.  We will do business there and make a profit.' How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog--it's here a little while, then it's gone.  What you ought to say is, 'If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.'  Otherwise you are boasting about your own plans, and all such boasting is evil."

Or there is Matthew 6:34 when Jesus tells the disciples:

"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."

And of course David and his poetry says so eloquently in Psalm 55:22 :

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you."

I feel like at times we are all paralyzed with this anxiousness and have a worried spirit. I was bogged down with this for a better part of a year and the only reason I moved out of it was because I realized the Lord controls everything anyway.  Why should I waste precious time that I could spend serving Him and making His name known worrying about things I can and never will be able to control? There is no good answer to this except that I and we shouldn't be.
 As I child I was scared of the dark (don't tell anyone but I still kind of am) and my mom would sit with me as I went to sleep and she would say  "When you are afraid put your trust in Him" until I believed it.  It is still kind of like that now.  I sit in the darkness of apprehension, angst and concern and Jesus is there with me saying "When you are afraid put your trust in Me."

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of it's strength."

 -Corrie Ten Boom

Doing that thing again.

I am doing that thing again. That thing where I hide from something that is bothering me by staying up super late to make myself so tired when I finally close my eyes that I have to go to sleep, where I don't talk a lot and keep to myself or where I read a whole series of books or watch a whole television series.  I am avoiding.  This time though I am not really sure what I am avoiding.  Wait. I think I do though. It is change.  Wow. Isn't that like the topic of almost 90 percent of my blog? Shouldn't be that big of a surprise.  All year I have been wanting my life to be different. And now it is finally changing to be what I know is the way I am to go, but the way things are just seem so safe and comforting.  I think maybe this goes along hand in hand with my commitment phobia.  If you didn't know this about me.....then hang on. I am super scared of commitment.  Like get a paper bag and breathe into it when marriage is brought up scared of commitment. I like dreaming about the whole proposal, marriage, kids and a picket fence scenario just like the next girl, but right now it is just a dream, not reality.  I think all of this junk just leads back to my fear of change and the lack of control that comes along with it.  If I don't know what is going to happen then I can't control it and manipulate it to my liking etc.  But isn't that what faith and the whole Jesus thing is for?  Yet again my stupid human self has forgotten that God is faithful.  I should really quit doing that.  But hey one thing that I got out of this mess is that I am now obsessed with "The Vampire Diaries."  Can't complain about that I guess.

Looking back.

I have been thinking a lot about the last year of my life lately.  It has been a rough one. Graduating college is super exciting and terrifying all rolled into one.  My senior year I went through a break-up, wasn't sure about my future plans at all, had a rebound, became angry and cynical, cried a lot and then after summer was over I had to decide to pick myself back up and stop wallowing. (yes it is a word).  I was kind of crazy at some points, a basket case for sure. I learned that God is forever faithful.  I cannot dwell on things I do not know the answer to and that I cannot control.  I need to stop and pay attention to the things that God is teaching me during this season of life. This year has been super tough and I would not want to live it again, but I appreciate the lessons I learned.  I am thankful for the maturity and insight it has brought.  I also hope to be able to give some wisdom to my friends who may need it in the future.  Seeking wisdom from someone who has lived through what you are about to go through is great advice indeed.

I will bless the Lord

This song has been great encouragement to me this week and this picture is of one of my favorite places. Thought I would share.


I will bless the Lord forever,
And I will trust Him at all times.
He has delivered me from all things,
And He has set my feet upon the Rock.

I will not be moved, and I'll say of the Lord:
You are my Shield, my Strength, my Portion, Deliverer,
My Shelter, Strong Tower, my very present help in time of need.

Whom have I in Heaven but you.
There's no one I desire beside You.

You have made me glad, and I'll say of the Lord:
You are my Shield, my Strength, my Portion, Deliverer,
My Shelter, Strong Tower, my very present help in time of need.

My very present help in time of need.

My very present help in time of need.

Messes are sometimes exactly what you need.

Messes are typically thought of as a bad thing. They are meant to be cleaned and straightened back into the order that was previously held.  Sometimes I am not sure that is always the best thing.  I am sometimes a messy person especially with my clothes. I can never find what I need and so they typically go flying every which way until I find exactly what I was looking for.  Isn't that kind of how life is sometimes? Currently my bible study is going through the Old Testament and I am seeing how insanely messy these people's lives were.  There definitely wasn't anything cookie cutter and Sunday School friendly about most of these people.  These people that God used in such a great way were going in all these crazy directions making a mess out of their lives until they finally listened to God's faithful promises which was exactly what they needed.  I know in my life that God certainly has used my messes I have created with sin and disobedience to polish me and my faith to be so much more than I was before.  As Chelsea, a precious girl in my bible study so eloquently said tonight, God has been transforming beauty from ashes since the beginning of time.  Thank you Jesus. These lyrics really say what my inadequate words have been trying to say for the last paragraph. Enjoy.

"Beauty for ashes 

A garment of praise for my heaviness 

Beauty for ashes take this heart of stone 

and make it Yours 

I delight myself in the riches affair 

trading all that I have 

for all that is better 

a garment of praise for my heaviness 

You are the greatest taste 

You're the riches of faith 

You are better 

So much better than all the world 

Lord, You are better 

You taste better 

So much better"

-Shane Barnard