Hiding No More

Currently I am sitting in my closet looking out into my horribly disorganized room which is just a reminder of the thousand things I need to be doing.  I should be studying for my impending Theology exam tomorrow, putting away my laundry, spending much needed one on one time with God or one of the other things on my endless list.

Instead I am hiding.

Hiding in my closet, because of the strong and unavoidable feeling of being over whelmed.  I have always had anxiety, but in the last three years my anxiety has increased over smaller things.  I struggle with strong feelings of being inadequate no matter how hard I try so as of late I have in a way given up.  I have convinced myself that it doesn't matter if I do my best it still won't be good enough.  These feelings stem from an abusive relationship that no matter how many nice things or affirming things I hear I still default to the terrible things I was told and made to believe about myself.

I keep myself busy with friends, work, mindless social media, and anything I can come up with to busy myself so I don't have to focus on the real issues I am struggling with.  I am by nature an extrovert, but when I constantly invent reasons to be around people I definitely know that I am hiding from being alone.  Tonight was the breaking point.  I finally had to come to terms with that I haven't been focusing on school like I should, because I was just so anxious and over whelmed.

This would be why I found my way into my closet.  In a way I am hiding from the world or maybe from myself too. I'm hiding from my paralyzing fear of failure, my absolute fear of rejection and being alone, the fear of disappointing my parents,  and the greatest fear of all that I am not good enough for God which is why for a while now I have been avoiding God as well.

What am I to glean from this time in hiding? From this short lived sabbatical in my closet?

I choose to take away that I need to understand that I am enough.  I am worthy.  And I need to keep reminding myself this every single day.  I have to decide that my best qualities and not so great quirks are me and that is perfectly acceptable.  I will never be great at drawing, putting away laundry, gracefulness, being quiet, frugality, or Microsoft Access, but that is perfectly fine.  I am really good at organizing things, being encouraging, singing, clothes, and being a sympathetic ear. My parents and my God both count me worthy so I should do the same.

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” 
-Louise Erdrich

Loving Immigrants as Ourselves.

With numerous headlines streaming online and in newspapers, legislation being proposed and judicial judgement being handed down immigration is a hot topic in American politics and public life. Hearing so much on the subject matter has caused me to reflect on my own ancestry.

Where do I come from? 

I know that I have Native American, Irish and possibly German ancestors.  All three of these people groups were severely persecuted in our great nation's history.  America has a bloody, shameful and shocking history of marginalization, abuse and fear of those who are "different" from the select group deemed "normal" or "acceptable".

This behavior is still prevalent today by handling immigration issues with intolerance and inhumanity.  I hear too many white southerners say "we don't need anyone coming to our country and changing our ways" or "their beliefs and culture just don't mesh with ours and of course ours is superior".  This belief system is ignorant and untrue.  It is also feed by fear and an unwillingness to see outside their comfort zone.

American culture is always shifting and changing.  When my Irish and German ancestors immigrated to the United States their culture was thought of as "weird" and "unamerican".  Now their cultural ideals, religious practices, and familial structures are seen as American as Thanksgiving dinner.  We forget our past and where our ancestors migrated from and how they were treated once they arrived.  Maybe because of the lack of understanding of those around them in their new country did my ancestors choose to forget their customs and identity.  Maybe they choose to adapt to "American" culture in order to fit in and be included.  This would explain why I have no lingering customs from these people groups.  My family plays a guessing game of where we originated from, because the lineage was lost in the quest to be accepted.

In light of the situation in our country at hand it is urgent that we treat immigrants with kindness, grace and understanding.  We need to view their culture with an openness rather than being defensive and closed minded.  We need to treat them as Jesus treated those who were not from his culture which he exemplified in his interaction with the woman at the well. Is this always easy? No. Is it acceptable to ignore injustice and turn a blind eye to it? The answer is no yet again.  We have to move past our feelings of insecurity, being uncomfortable and insuring that things always stay the same.

 "For God so loved the world.." maybe we should try that too.

Just going to be me.

I have been silent from my blog since December it would seem.  For a while it was just a nice breather from writing something else since all I do is write in seminary it seems, but then it turned into me not knowing exactly what to say.  I have so many things on my mind lately that I have been overwhelmed to say any of them.  I have felt very melancholy as of late.  During this melancholy I have been sitting back and resting in the way I feel. Trying to be quiet in order to make sense of it maybe.  I have a great life.  I am in school studying the subject I feel very passionate and called to.  I have great friends here in Atlanta, Arkansas and scattered across the states.  My family is supportive and loving in ways that I can't even begin to appreciate. I think a lot of my unrest comes from expectations.  

When visiting home for Spring Break I was asked by literally almost every person I came into contact with if I had a boyfriend.  No matter that I had just been telling this person the great things God has been doing in my life, how great seminary was going, and the exciting plans for the future I have with the answer of "no I don't have a boyfriend" all of the great things I have going for me just seem to vanish and disappear into thin air.  I mean come on people.  Can't we get a little more original than to ALWAYS lead back to this question.  I mean maybe if more people were more happy in their own relationships they wouldn't feel the need to live vicariously through mine. Anyways this lack of commitment to some man that they haven't met and maybe would never meet was suddenly so much more important and crucial to who I am than any thing I have accomplished or wish to accomplish.  

This is infuriating to me.  

The flip side to this is that in the "enlightened" crowd of acquaintances I have met I find the opposite.  There is a rebellion to any gender role stereotype.  Any woman who actually likes to cook, pick out pillows at Ikea (one of my personal favorite things to do) or God forbid know how to sew is a failure to the feminist cause and should be shunned.  Can't I be me and be a feminist? Isn't it okay if I want to stay at home and be a mom one day? Why can't I like vacuuming?? (which I actually enjoy so don't hate) Shouldn't my choices be mine and be accepted? The first crowd who defines me as less of a person without a significant other is just as alienating as the second crowd who demands unrealistic and just as alienating expectations.  Just to be clear I love to clean, I am decent at cooking, I can change a tire, I love sports, I cannot sew, I can crochet, I love reading commentaries, I love/hate politics, I love bows and glitter, I love dirt and mud, I love the outdoors, and I love a good theological discussion.  Are some of my quirks and qualities stereotypical and some blatantly not? Yes. Do I care? Not anymore.  I'm just me. A woman who has been called to ministry trying to find my way in life while lugging along the expectations of others and trying to ditch those and be left carrying what I expect from myself.  

Hope.

I believe in hope that stems from the past, present and the awaiting, promise of the future. This is the hope I catch a glimpse of on the face of a father after seeing his newborn child for the first time.  The hope that this precious child will know peace not war, plenty and not hunger, happiness and not sorrow in the life that waits.   This is the hope I feel waiting with fellow Americans for the Presidential election results every four years. We are all hoping in spite of differences in party affiliations or political leanings that the next term will be different from the last. 

This is the hope I see when I watch a child learn how to ride a bike for the first time.  The genuine excitement and ecstatic happiness at this rite of passage that the child feels reminds me of the hope that innocence brings to the world. This is the hope I feel on every first date, the hope of a life with a husband and family whom I will adore one day.  This is the hope I see watching the news and seeing a cease-fire in war zones.  I witness hope in the victim’s eyes as they realize the  fighting, bloodshed and death will end soon. 

My hope grows when I see Good Samaritans offering help to others.  Hope that builds when hungry children are fed, nakedness is clothed, unemployed are employed, and when the restless achieve peace of mind. During Advent, my expectation of hope abounds in the preparation of the celebration of birth of Christ.  Hope I feel that Jesus did dwell among humans like me to understand what we experience.  My hope rests upon reality that the Kingdom of God is here all around us when love is shown, mercy is granted, joy is felt, peace overwhelms, and justice is served.  When these aspects of the Kingdom appear, hope will abound and grow for generations awaiting the coming of the Savior. 

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is tomorrow.  My house was chosen as the site for Thanksgiving dinner this year so there is much  planning. cleaning, and cooking happening in the midst of these walls. We have the massive Turkey thawing in the refrigerator, pies cooling on the counter, and all the ingredients for the stuffing laid out to be assembled for tomorrow.  When family arrives tomorrow the parade will be watched, football analyzed, and politics and religion themed conversation topics hopefully avoided.  The Black Friday sales brochures will be browsed extensively and a game plan will be laid out for the after Thanksgiving shopping.  In the midst of this day set aside for giving thanks for all we have, have had and yet to have sometimes we forget to just simply be.  All of us have gotten so busy and stressed at one point or another trying to make everything perfect and memorable that we forget to actually be thankful which is the entire point of the holiday. This is for sure true of myself.  Tonight and tomorrow I will enjoy my time with my family and try to remind myself and my loved ones that being thankful is the purpose of the day, not whether or not the pie crust is impeccable with no flaws.  Let us be thankful to the Lord for all we have been given and have a heart full of thanksgiving as we go into the Christmas season.

The Southern Girl's Guide to Dating

Dating. Throwing that word around is like a boomerang except it brings a whole cartload of connotations and issues back along with it.  If you mention dating around a group of girls its almost like taking the pin out of a grenade.  The blast is always unique and the damage can not be foreseen before the blast. You never know what is coming.  The reactions can range from someone who just got out of a bitter breakup and all men are the scum of the earth who are out to rip your heart out (this is putting it in nice terms). We will call her Carrie. The girl who is super boy crazy and immediately wants to explain all of her "encounters" with boys (by encounters I mean glances in the hallway, borrowing of pencil in class, brief eye contact etc.) that of course means that these boys will ask her out in the immediate future and they will live happily ever after. We will call her PG Samantha. There is the girl who is very independent and views dating as a possible waste of time when she could be saving the dolphins or doing her taxes or possibly both simultaneously. She really craves attention and a relationship but she hides it under a facade of bitter comments and secret Cosmo subscriptions.She shall be a nicer Miranda.  Lastly there is the girl who always sees the bright side of EVERYTHING.  No matter what the situation or the heartbreak someone will always be happy, dancing with cotton candy and rainbows and be in love in her mind.  She is in essence a Charlotte.

A theme that comes up frequently in circles of southern single women when they gather is the issue of men not making the move to ask them out.  Why do we waste so.much.time. mulling over what it meant when he bumped into me in the lunch line, the time he opened the door for me or the intriguing time he possibly winked at me (it could have been an eye twitch but we are going to always go with that it was a wink. I repeat always.)?  After doing some research (by research I mean polling some of my friends who are from Southern culture via text message.  Super professional and accurate.) I discovered a trend that correlates only boys asking girls on dates and rarely are girls to ask the boy out.  If the girl does ask the boy out it can be perceived as okay (that is if it ever happens. Most of my friends could not name a situation where the girl had asked out the boy) or can turn negative in that the girl is seen as pushy, or other not nice words.  When I asked my friends who were removed from Southern culture in their upbringing about this they were confused as to what I meant.  They knew of no such gender boundary in dating.  I find this completely fascinating.  In my mind I view myself as an equal to men.  I value my opinion, well being and place in society as valuable as a man's.  Yet in my mind there is this barrier when it comes to issues of the heart.  It is second nature to always wait for the man to make the first move, and for my strict adherence to the game of coy nativity.  I am obviously being dramatic because I am pretty bad at acting coy.  Hey. We can't all be perfect.  Getting back to the topic at hand.  Is this my embedded dating theology? Is this what I really believe?  Or is this just my southern upbringing where girls are to act a certain way and boys another?  I do enjoy chivalry and a good gentleman, but does that mean I should always wait around or is that too forward?  I am perplexed with the disagreement in my mind between what is rational and what is culturally acceptable.  I definitely don't have the answers to this but instead am just putting my thoughts out there.  I know that other Southern girls like me somewhere must be thinking some of the same things. I surely am not that original.  If you are reading this and you have thought the same perplexing thoughts or have a positive comment then lets hear it.

True Life: I lived in a commune (well not really but sort of)

Post college was a very interesting time for me.  I was very lost and just kind of wandering around aimlessly trying to find my way.  Since I had decided not to attend seminary the fall after graduation I decided to apply for jobs and save money for a year.  Considering rural Arkansas (where I am from) is NOT the ideal job hunting ground I began applying in Jonesboro.  A town of around 90,000 people there should be numerous job opportunities and something should open up fairly quickly.  Hah. This scenario rarely plays out the way we want it to.  Finally in August I found a job at an OBGYN doctors office as the telephone operator.  With this new found job I obviously needed somewhere to live.  In comes the commune.  My friends Phillip and Lauren, whom I entered college with, had recently gotten married in the spring right after college graduation. They were living in Jonesboro and since we were really close they offered to let me stay with them until I found a place/roommate/something I could afford.  We heaved all of my stuff up the most narrow stairs ever and we joyfully lived the rest of the summer in that tiny 2 bedroom apartment where the heat could suffocate and the mosquito's annihilate.  We began discussing how we hated living in this box and how together and apart we could not afford anything larger or nicer.  Thus the brainchild of forming a "commune" was conceived.  We began searching for affordable houses that would rent to a bunch of recent college graduates that wanted to live together and to find potential roommates.  This search was full of big dreams and shady schemes.  We actually uncovered a Craig's List scam during this process and it was super creepy.  We finally convinced our friends Amanda and Jeff to sign on to this social experiment and after finding a 4 bedroom house that was actually really nice we got all set to move in.  The number 1 perk of living with married people is that they have all of this useful stuff that single peeps just do not own and they got it all free.  Super awesome.  After we move in and claim our perspective rooms the social experiment begins.  Of course we all had our place in the house and had quirks that defined us.  I am the definite night owl.  I could be randomly watching How I Met Your Mother at 2 am even though I had to go to work in the morning.  My clothes were always a mess in my room (which Phillip dubbed "the hurricane") and I cooked a lot of soups.  Lauren always made sure I was awake before leaving for her job.  I have a bad habit of not waking up to my alarm.  She always made yummy things and loved to experiment with baking healthy.  Phillip was never there the first half of our commune  life together.  With school and his jobs there was not a lot of time to be spent anywhere else.  The second half however was full of Chuck, Star Wars, any and every vampire movie, and Underworld...oh yeah I can't forget Fight Club.  Discussing theology, comic books, playing a lot of Sky Rim and Modern Warfare (I am impressed that I slept through all that gunfire). Phillip and Lauren were "the mom and dad" of the house.  Amanda and I were single buddies.  We tried to discover where people our age hung out int this town and still haven't succeeded.  Work stories were the best from her clinic and her ever present dilemma that her scrubs were too short.  Oh yeah and I cannot forget our still ongoing game of dibbs. By the way I still have dibbs on Zachary Levi.  And then there was Jeff. Jeff was literally rarely there.  I absolutely loved to bang on his door just to annoy him and make him pause his video game.  His stories of Hastings and his job there were NEVER dull.  The final member of the house was Phil and Lauren's great dane puppy Daisy.  Daisy was taller than me.  She was/is huge.  She wasso sweet and lovable and yet I saw her shred a $20 bill with her teeth one time.  She was insane.  Since she was bigger than us she liked to bully me and would literally slap me with her paws.  I truly miss that dog. Living in the commune (though a lot of people find it completely strange but I say don't judge till you have been there) was a great experience.  Living with my friends in one of the most transitional years of my life was SO helpful.  We were all finding our way, learning who we were outside of college, truly learning what we wanted to do when we grew up, and truly seeking God's will for our lives.  Those times together in that house will be with me forever.  They were and are my family in addition to my parents and I am thankful for that.

Thankful for the past and looking expectantly toward the future...

I have been thinking about my past quite a bit recently.  Being 8 hours from home, living in Atlanta and recently writing my Spiritual Autobiography there has been lots and lots of contemplation regarding the past events of my life.  Remembering as a little girl walking around in my grandmother's high heels because I wanted to be fancy like her.  Having my mom braid my hair and having a freakkk outtttt when washing my hair. (I was strange. It happens).  My dad letting me name whatever cows I wanted on the farm.  We had cows named Tinkerbell, Barney and Princess.  I was five thus not very original.  Then came the school years.  I was bored a lot of the time in school.  I got a C in conduct once for reading a book instead of listening to the teacher, because I had already finished my worksheet before she explained it.  I remember my mom having a "little chat" with my teacher hence I was vindicated.  Sometimes the teacher would make me sit by the "weird" kid in class so I would be a good example of classroom behavior. (Obviously this was not the teacher that gave me a C in conduct.)  I got stuck by T.J. whom we referred to as "The Cat Kid".  He earned this noble name from frequently meowing like a cat and was a cat every year for Halloween.  But I was nice to him.  He was always entertaining.  I remember learning how to square dance in 6th grade.  If you ever need to know how to dose doe I can teach you straight up.  Junior High.  So much awkwardness, so little time.  The whole "does he like me, or does he like my friend and if so I will be so mad and she can't date him because I liked him first" mess going on.  I vividly remember every girl in my class liking the same boy in 7th and 8th grade.  It got cutthroat and real....fast.  I feel like 9th grade was my year.  I wasn't so shy anymore (YES believe it or not I was painfully shy in my younger years. This is shocking I know.)  I had my real boyfriend. First real breakup which included watching a lot of girl movies and eating ice cream in my pajamas.  High school just kind of flew by.  I was so excited about college.  I was OBSESSIVE about having a 4.0 GPA.  I drug my parents to every basketball game in the world my senior year.  They were sweethearts for taking me.  It was the social scene in my "town". Sad but true.  Then came college baby.  My mom and dad tearfully helped me unpack all my stuff into my dorm room. Then we attended that "launching" ceremony at the end of move-in day.  It was the most emotional moment ever all because they played that song "Find your wings" by Mark Harris. If you have never heard that song don't listen to it when you are going through a major life change.  Definitely a waterworks facilitator.  I saw a mother straight up rocking her daughter in the row in front of me.  Things happened in that room we just don't talk about.  Soooo many memories I have from college.  Snow days, staying up until 2 am every night and barely making it in the dorm before curfew, having my dress for Winter Formal rip and having to be sewn into it in order to have something to wear, and running crying from the cafeteria in the weeks following a breakup.  Being fortunate to live so close to my family and spend sweet and precious time with them.  Too many Sonic runs to count, driving to McDonalds in some real bad storms after midnight, driving around campus with ice on the windshield with our heads out the window to see where we were going, driving around with the traffic cone on top of Jennifer's car, locking people out of the car and making them dance.  These are such sweet and amazing memories.  As I reflect on all of this it excites me to be making new memories now.  I am making such great friends here in Atlanta and I am exuberantly excited to be "making memories" in this new phase of my life.  As I tell Karen (my roommate) every time something weird and definitely memorable happens "we are defff making memories."

It is definitely 5 o'clock somewhere...

Airports. They are the absolutely most fabulous place to watch people in the world. You see such a wide variety and assortment that you cannot be bored.  It is just not possible.  I flew home to Arkansas by way of the Atlanta airport through to Memphis last weekend. When I arrived to check-in they informed me that there was not an available seat so I should wait and see what they could do for me.  I stood to the side of the line and watched everyone check in and proceed to their seats.  I have always seen that person standing there awkwardly, but this was my first experience being that person.  People look at you and are internally thinking and glaring at you: "I am so glad that is not me", "I wonder if she is a terrorist", "She better not hold up our flight" and etc.  Finally my turn came and the sweet lady that was checking boarding passes began to click and pound the keys of her keyboard. The woman seriously was flying across those buttons like nobody's business. I just knew I was going to have to wait and be bumped to a later flight.  Instead she happily informed me that because of the airlines mistake I was sitting in first class. FIRST CLASS! This is on my bucket list to sit in first class and even better it was FREE. I get settled in my seat and I immediately notice that my shoulders have so much more room and my legs are not all scrunched up like back in coach.  This is the best.  While we were waiting to take off the stewardess comes and asks what drinks we would like before heading toward Memphis.  I tell her I would like water.  Considering it is 8 o'clock in the morning I mentally assume that everyone around me will have coffee, water, orange juice or maybe soda.  No. Everyone around me ordered Baileys and coffee. It was like wild fire.  One person ordered it and so the entire first class section besides me ordered it as well.  They had two rounds before we even were off the ground.  Once up in the air I settled in reading my book and the stewardess came back around to check on if we needed anything.  Then the serious drinks started coming.  Everyone ordered vodka tonics and then they started on bloody Mary's.  The first class section drank the airplane out of alcohol.  This is an hour flight mind you.  It was nuts.  I have never seen people get slammed first thing in the morning on an airplane as a collective group like this.  The group was very diverse.  There was the standard know-it-all business man who has been in every business venture from contracting, golf cart manufacturing, enlistment. and some sort of sales.  If he hadn't done it I am pretty sure it didn't exist.  There were the parent and adult children group who were going to a golf event while wearing matching Ralph Lauren Polo outfits.  They discussed their "wealth" the entirety of the flight.  As I sat there with this indeed eclectic group I wondered do I seem like this to all the coach passengers who passed by? When they see me in the airport later are they going to assume I was imagining I was at Margaritaville while on the plane like these other peeps?  (Just as a note I happened to be wearing a Ralph Lauren Polo shirt that day.)  Hopefully they could distinguish that I was not at the party barge first thing in the morning considering I was able to walk straight off the plane and could pass a sobriety test if needed.  I guess this whole bizarre and very amusing experience just goes to show that it really is 5 o'clock somewhere or at least that's what these folks were counting on. 

You can take the girl out of Arkansas but you can't take Arkansas out of the girl

If you were unaware of this and it is quite possible if you are reading this you do not know I recently moved to Atlanta. Yes. I said Atlanta, Georgia.  The peach state.  Home of former President Jimmy Carter.  Okay I think there are all the Georgian facts I have for the moment.  The reason for my move was to attend seminary.  I feel a call to ministry and at the moment I see it being in the area of teaching hopefully Christian Ethics at the collegiate level.  Pretty much everyone who has found out that I moved to Atlanta has questioned my ability to survive in this urban jungle.  This rural Arkansas girl will surely be trampled by the city folk here in Atlanta.  On the other side of the coin most everyone I have met here in Atlanta is taken aback that they can now say they have met someone from Arkansas (because apparently you don't meet folks from AR every day) and they are concerned that where I am from is three hours from an airport.  To everyone at home I have survived a week. I have successfully located Target (of course one of the essentials to locate in any city) and have managed to maneuver my way on both the perimeter interstate and the other one (I can't remember the name right now) which are both located minutes from my apartment.  Aside from the haters it is kind of nice being a novelty.  I am educating all my new friends on the quirky and interesting (well I think they are interesting) facts about my beloved home state.  Williams Baptist College is now known here.  They are aware of the earthquakes we have, the diamond mine, Razorback pride, and the wet/dry county issue.  My Georgian friends have shown me Stone Mountain and its Confederate glory.  I feel like I can confidently say I am a true Southerner after seeing the monument to the Confederate heroes.  My roommate is from North Carolina and we trade facts daily.  I do await getting to visit the beach there one day soon. On a more serious note since I have arrived here I have seen the Lord again show His faithfulness.  My grandmother passed away yesterday.  I already have community who is praying for me and my family here and that is most appreciated.  I am blessed to be able to fly home for the funeral and to be with my family as we grieve the loss of this amazing woman who has forever shaped my life.  (I plan on writing a post dedicated to my grandmother soon).  Arkansas will forever be my home but for now while I am in Atlanta I am excited and comforted by my experience here so far.  God is with me as I pursue my education and the Lord's hand will be over me no matter where I am.

Free from Sin

This picture kind of says it all. Christ and his unfathomable mercy will always be more abounding than the dirty, nasty, dark and perverse sin in us.  We are new creatures in Christ, we have a fresh start, and a clean slate.

"Well then, should we keep on sinning so that God can show us more and more of his wonderful grace? Of course not! Since we have died to sin, how can we continue to live in it? Or have you forgotten that when we were joined with Christ Jesus in baptism, we joined him in his death?

For we died and were buried with Christ by baptism.  And just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glorious power of the Father, now we also may live new lives.

Since we have been united with him in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was.  We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives.  We are no longer slaves to sin.  For when we died to Christ we were set free from the power of sin.  And since we died with Christ, we know we will also live with him.  We are sure of this because Christ was raised from the dead and he will never die again.  Death no longer has any power over him.  When he died, he died once to break the power of sin.  But now that he lives, he lives for the glory of God.

So you also should consider yourselves to be dead to the power of sin and alive to God through Christ Jesus." -Romans 6:1-11

This passage explains so amazingly how that even though we do still sin we are no longer enslaved by it.  Jesus has freed us from it. We only choose to let it shackle us and ensnare us.  I am writing to myself here too. I make a conscious choice to let sin control me instead of living as Christ and letting the passions of the flesh fall to the wayside.  I am dead to the power of sin so why do I choose to let it have power over me?  I feel like fall back into these patterns of darkness instead of walking into the light that holds freedom and peace.  Later on in Chapter 6 Paul tells us that he is using the analogy of slavery to relate it to our human nature.  He is urging us to no longer be slaves to sin but to righteousness and holiness.  "Be holy as I am holy" the Lord says. I think that putting this whole chapter in context I finally truly understand this last verse that I have heard my whole life:

"For the wages of sin is death but the gift of God is eternal life." -Romans 6:23

 

 

Women can fix tires too.

If you have ever met me you probably have realized that I am a pretty independent person.  I think a lot of this has to do with me being an only child.  Anyways back to what I was saying. I don't mind being alone, I can actually go to the bathroom by myself (unlike most women) and I have this drive to prove that I can do whatever the task set before me on my own.  I have terrible luck with cars especially with tires.  I have probably had 10-15 tire repairs in the past 4 years.  I am really not exaggerating.  It is terrible.  I have changed flats in super hot weather most memorably at Adriana's with Casey right along side me. Shout out to her!  I have used the ole handy fix-a-flat when needed and any other means to hold my tires together until I can have them serviced.  I find it COMPLETELY and ABSOLUTELY annoying and irritating that 9 out of 10 times when I enter Sears or Walmart or whatever service center establishment that they assume because I am a female I do not know that my tire is low and needs to be repaired and/or replaced.  Does it really take a man to see that the tire is not at the correct pressuring reading?! Obviously I am pretty angry about this particular subject.  I had a most unpleasant experience today with an absolute jerk when I went to get yet another tire fixed.  Instead of punching him as I wanted to I just sat there and thought "Well I guess I need to have a man with me to even be taken seriously to get my tire fixed." How ludacris is that? It made me kinda angry that I was even considering having to have a man do that for me. I know boys who cannot even change a tire (you know who you are). Don't get me wrong. I love men. I want to get married, have babies, the whole nine yards but I don't want to have to need one to do the simplest of things.  This is just annoying.  Maybe I have multiple factors working against me. I am a female, blonde, young, and I am a pretty nice person most of the time. Does this scream idiot? I am not really sure.  I should probably stop trying to analyze the minds of these men who are stereotyping me.  Well I feel better. My diatribe is complete. Hopefully people who read this won't think that I am a man basher or uberfeminist.  I am just trying to do my best as a single independent girl out on my own.  Just trying to fix one tire at a time.

Being a woman of substance

This is going to be a pure and simple rant so buckle up and hold on.  Women of substance.  I feel like we ("we" being myself and all the other women that I know who truly are intelligent and awesome people) as women of substance are passed over and pushed aside a lot.  We are the girls that are "good for marrying" but not for dating.  What does that even mean?! How can you get married if you didn't date first? This concept perplexes me. How do you get from point A to point B if you bypass point A? 

Anyways, I hear people tell my sisters and myself that one day a man will come and appreciate us for who we are but that will be 5 or (insert random number here) years down the road when they are mature and will value us for who we are.  So where does that leave us now? It leaves us as being their friend while they are dating the girls I will describe shortly and  us being supportive when the relationships do not work out.  We will be there for comfort and a shoulder to cry on. So now where are these men? What are they doing in this 5 to random number of years period?  My theory is they are being stupid.  They are dating the girls that we cannot stand, that have no brain cells, wear bump-its, but sure know how to have fun (ahem).  They are super high maintenance, shallow, and spend way too much time on their nails. Forgive me for the cynicism, but these days I am just really annoyed at men my age being afraid of substance and commitment.  I am tired of young women lowering their standards for affection and attention.  Maybe I am just tired.  I am a woman of substance.  I have lowered my standards, been in relationships that were not at all what I needed or God intended and yet again here I am where I started.....waiting for that man of substance to recognize me for what I am.  It's worth waiting for so I guess I will feel better after this vent session and just keep on waiting.

Who shall I fear?

If you have ever had an anxiety attack they are no fun for sure. You feel kind of like you can't breathe and the situation you are in seems inescapable and overwhelming. Anxiety is just plain and simple worry.  It is hard to control anxiety or worry when you let it manifest and continue to grow in your thoughts day after day.  I'm pretty sure we are all guilty of that. I worry about whether or not people like me, if I will have enough money to do anything besides pay my bills, my family, being single forever, getting wrinkles, not having enough pairs of sandals, etc.  Obviously I worry about important and some not so important things. Does worry about any of this help???? No. Of course not. I love the book of James and in his writings James says:

 "Look here you who say 'Today or tomorrow we are going to a certain town and will stay there a year.  We will do business there and make a profit.' How do you know what your life will be like tomorrow? Your life is like the morning fog--it's here a little while, then it's gone.  What you ought to say is, 'If the Lord wants us to, we will live and do this or that.'  Otherwise you are boasting about your own plans, and all such boasting is evil."

Or there is Matthew 6:34 when Jesus tells the disciples:

"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."

And of course David and his poetry says so eloquently in Psalm 55:22 :

"Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you."

I feel like at times we are all paralyzed with this anxiousness and have a worried spirit. I was bogged down with this for a better part of a year and the only reason I moved out of it was because I realized the Lord controls everything anyway.  Why should I waste precious time that I could spend serving Him and making His name known worrying about things I can and never will be able to control? There is no good answer to this except that I and we shouldn't be.
 As I child I was scared of the dark (don't tell anyone but I still kind of am) and my mom would sit with me as I went to sleep and she would say  "When you are afraid put your trust in Him" until I believed it.  It is still kind of like that now.  I sit in the darkness of apprehension, angst and concern and Jesus is there with me saying "When you are afraid put your trust in Me."

"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of it's strength."

 -Corrie Ten Boom

Doing that thing again.

I am doing that thing again. That thing where I hide from something that is bothering me by staying up super late to make myself so tired when I finally close my eyes that I have to go to sleep, where I don't talk a lot and keep to myself or where I read a whole series of books or watch a whole television series.  I am avoiding.  This time though I am not really sure what I am avoiding.  Wait. I think I do though. It is change.  Wow. Isn't that like the topic of almost 90 percent of my blog? Shouldn't be that big of a surprise.  All year I have been wanting my life to be different. And now it is finally changing to be what I know is the way I am to go, but the way things are just seem so safe and comforting.  I think maybe this goes along hand in hand with my commitment phobia.  If you didn't know this about me.....then hang on. I am super scared of commitment.  Like get a paper bag and breathe into it when marriage is brought up scared of commitment. I like dreaming about the whole proposal, marriage, kids and a picket fence scenario just like the next girl, but right now it is just a dream, not reality.  I think all of this junk just leads back to my fear of change and the lack of control that comes along with it.  If I don't know what is going to happen then I can't control it and manipulate it to my liking etc.  But isn't that what faith and the whole Jesus thing is for?  Yet again my stupid human self has forgotten that God is faithful.  I should really quit doing that.  But hey one thing that I got out of this mess is that I am now obsessed with "The Vampire Diaries."  Can't complain about that I guess.

Looking back.

I have been thinking a lot about the last year of my life lately.  It has been a rough one. Graduating college is super exciting and terrifying all rolled into one.  My senior year I went through a break-up, wasn't sure about my future plans at all, had a rebound, became angry and cynical, cried a lot and then after summer was over I had to decide to pick myself back up and stop wallowing. (yes it is a word).  I was kind of crazy at some points, a basket case for sure. I learned that God is forever faithful.  I cannot dwell on things I do not know the answer to and that I cannot control.  I need to stop and pay attention to the things that God is teaching me during this season of life. This year has been super tough and I would not want to live it again, but I appreciate the lessons I learned.  I am thankful for the maturity and insight it has brought.  I also hope to be able to give some wisdom to my friends who may need it in the future.  Seeking wisdom from someone who has lived through what you are about to go through is great advice indeed.

I will bless the Lord

This song has been great encouragement to me this week and this picture is of one of my favorite places. Thought I would share.


I will bless the Lord forever,
And I will trust Him at all times.
He has delivered me from all things,
And He has set my feet upon the Rock.

I will not be moved, and I'll say of the Lord:
You are my Shield, my Strength, my Portion, Deliverer,
My Shelter, Strong Tower, my very present help in time of need.

Whom have I in Heaven but you.
There's no one I desire beside You.

You have made me glad, and I'll say of the Lord:
You are my Shield, my Strength, my Portion, Deliverer,
My Shelter, Strong Tower, my very present help in time of need.

My very present help in time of need.

My very present help in time of need.

Messes are sometimes exactly what you need.

Messes are typically thought of as a bad thing. They are meant to be cleaned and straightened back into the order that was previously held.  Sometimes I am not sure that is always the best thing.  I am sometimes a messy person especially with my clothes. I can never find what I need and so they typically go flying every which way until I find exactly what I was looking for.  Isn't that kind of how life is sometimes? Currently my bible study is going through the Old Testament and I am seeing how insanely messy these people's lives were.  There definitely wasn't anything cookie cutter and Sunday School friendly about most of these people.  These people that God used in such a great way were going in all these crazy directions making a mess out of their lives until they finally listened to God's faithful promises which was exactly what they needed.  I know in my life that God certainly has used my messes I have created with sin and disobedience to polish me and my faith to be so much more than I was before.  As Chelsea, a precious girl in my bible study so eloquently said tonight, God has been transforming beauty from ashes since the beginning of time.  Thank you Jesus. These lyrics really say what my inadequate words have been trying to say for the last paragraph. Enjoy.

"Beauty for ashes 

A garment of praise for my heaviness 

Beauty for ashes take this heart of stone 

and make it Yours 

I delight myself in the riches affair 

trading all that I have 

for all that is better 

a garment of praise for my heaviness 

You are the greatest taste 

You're the riches of faith 

You are better 

So much better than all the world 

Lord, You are better 

You taste better 

So much better"

-Shane Barnard

God is faithful

Over the past year I have truly seen how wavering, conditional, and human my faith in God is.  In the past I was very arrogant in my thinking that I would be able to withstand any problems without being tested in what I believe and am passionate about.  I was very very wrong.  At the end of the day thought what REALLY matters is that God is faithful. I have been studying Genesis and the three people that have really stood out to me are Abraham, Sarah. and Joseph.  


God makes a covenant with Abraham that he will give him land, numerous offspring and blessings.  He promises to make Abraham's people a great and prosperous nation.  God gave His word to Abraham and in that moment he had unwavering faith in what the Lord would do.  Later on through circumstances and just life happening in general, Abraham's faith falters and he doubts the Lord's promises, but God was still faithful. When God promised Abraham and Sarah that He would give them a child in their old age they both doubted.  Sarah even laughed at God's messengers and yet when Isaac was born yet again they were shown how God is faithful. Before Isaac was born Sarah did as we women sometimes do and tried to outsmart or out scheme God.  She tried to out maneuver the Creator of the Universe. How insane is that??  Anyways, Sarah gave her servant to her husband Abraham to sleep with and they had a son Ishmael. This caused a lot of strife and turned into a dysfunctional family situation.  God eventually had to intervene and send Ishmael and Hagar away.  All of this could have been avoided if they had just remembered that God is faithful. With Isaac's birth God kept His promise and with his descendant's success, wealth and prosperity He fulfilled the covenant he had made with Abraham.  God is faithful. 


I love the story of Joseph.  I wrote my Pentateuch paper in college over his story and since then I have related to him on a different level.  My absolute favorite part of Joseph's story is how God sovereignly directs the sequences of events so He fulfill His purpose and plan.  After all the mess Joseph went through with his brothers selling him into slavery, making his father believe he was dead, him being imprisoned for years, and then finally the Lord raising him up to be the Pharaoh in Egypt's second in command. God is extremely faithful.During all of these hard and difficult times amazingly enough Joseph NEVER wavered or at least the text does not speak of it.  He always knew that God would make all things work together for His good. God uses sin and evil to glorify His name.   Joseph understood that just because hardships occur that it does not mean that you are not in God's will.  Circumstances are not an indicator of God's will.  God used the awfulness Joseph experienced to fulfill the covenant he made with Abraham in making sure the Israelites were taken care of and provided for which happened through Joseph being directly under Pharaoh.  God is faithful.Joseph forgave his brothers which was not an easy feat.  Joseph saw that they were repentant and welcomed them with open arms.  The brothers were afraid of their Joseph's wrath and God used that fear to bring their hearts to repentance. Joseph reassured them that God is faithful. 


I have learned so much from these people in the Bible.  I have learned how I am certainly not alone in my human state of unbelief at times.  I learned from examples of rock solid faith and belief as well.  God has shown me through this section of the Old Testament narrative that I am definitely not alone in my struggles.  This is comforting and yet again shows me that God is faithful.  

Are we fooling ourselves?

Almost a year ago to date I started reading the book of James and it really convicted me. Today when I decided to go back to James and read again conviction was present again, but this time was different. Originally when reading the Holy Spirit brought to my attention how I worry instead of having faith, being a doer not just a hearer of the Word, control of the tongue, impartiality of others, and so much more. However today when I was reading I was reminded with the force of a kick in the face that although I was convicted of these things what have I really done with this?? A whole lotta nothing. For about a month now I am really seeing how prideful and arrogant inwardly I have been.  My walk is nothing as it should be. My prayers are not without ceasing. I do a whole lot of feeling sorry for myself and not a whole lot of looking beyond myself.  James says it so well.

"So get rid of all the filth and evil in your lives, and humbly accept the word God has planted in your hearts, for it has the power to save your souls.  But don't just listen to God's word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves.  For if you listen to the word and don't obey, it is like glancing at your face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look like. But if you carefully look into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don't forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it."

 This passage just says it all! This holds encouragement, pain for my ears, and promise.  It is so comforting to know that the grass withers and the flowers will fade and die but God's word will endure always and forever to exhort, convict and comfort.  I will do better. I must. I will fall and fail, but not like this. I cannot continue to live this life as I am currently. Here is to a new day of God's grace and mercy giving me another undeserved chance to give Him glory.