Spring Break Thoughts

I have had a lot of time on my hands this week for thinking. I came home instead of going on the mission trip to Nashville like I had planned to help my family.  Well God certainly used this alone time for good. I talked about in my last blog post that I have been hiding from God recently.  Well I came to a breaking point where I just sat and cried and prayed. I needed my Heavenly Father to hold me and comfort me, because in my weak and failed attempts I had tried to find fulfillment elsewhere.  I am terrified of moving to Atlanta. I am terribly excited as well though.  I love the amazing things I am going to be learning and experiencing, but I am also scared to start over and leave the comfort of my amazing family and friends behind.  I finally dealt with this fear and just let myself be freaked out for a little while.  It wasn't easy and I am not saying that I won't be scared again, but letting myself deal with my fear was so helpful.

I talked about my feelings of unworthiness and striving for perfection in my last blog.  I still deal with that and because I do I tend to make other people's problems and moods my fault.  Not saying that I am not a sinner and do things that are not right, because I completely do.  I say things before I think a lot that can or do hurt people, I am an emotional eater, I gossip, I am not always respectful of my parents, and I am a procrastinator.  These are to just name a few of my fault and sins.  This week I had to pray and tell myself that I am not always at fault because someone else is upset and it is not my duty to fix that.  I cannot fix everyone. Only Christ can do that. I tend to want to help heal and counsel and it's not always healthy or best for me to be in that situation.  I will continue to pray for whatever situations I can, but there is always a time when that person has to want to be healed.  They need to want to surrender and become what God intends for them.  I am totally in that surrender process myself.  I am so grateful for the amazing friends I do have that are just as much there for me as I am for them which is how friendship should be. I'm not sure if any of this made sense, but I do know that writing how God is working in my heart and life makes me feel accomplished in a sense.

Repetition

I feel like I repeat myself a lot. I am not in communication with God as I should be. I struggle with the same sins as I always have. I feel as if I am on a roller coaster of emotion a lot of the time....but you know I guess that is what being human is. Not saying that I should just quit and not work on all of these areas of my life and my walk with God which all need attention, but I am never going to be perfect. The concept of not being perfect is such a big deal for me to come to terms with.  I care way too much about most things. If it seems that I don't care I really do, but I am feigning apathy to convince myself that I don't.  God doesn't expect perfection from me.  He knows I am going to fall that doesn't mean that He is okay with my blatant disobedience of Him, but that His grace covers it.  Knowing that God loves me anyway is the only way I can deal with my imperfection.  His love is the only thing that carries me through. Even though I deal with comparing myself against others in the way I look, my academics, my personality I have to draw my peace from the only lasting peace giver, who is Christ.  Daily I am to be Christ in how I speak, listen, walk, and interact with others, but when I do fall I know that God is there to be okay with me falling short.  The sooner I am okay with not being perfect the closer I will be to who God intends for me to become.